Belonging

Umm, ok it's been a while....again!

Well I'm now 32 +5, the bubbas are doing great, they are currently estimated to weigh around 4lbs 9oz & 4lbs 14oz! Great weights for twins. Twin 1 is breech and twin 2 is kind of blocking him, I've been told there's little chance he'll turn before 37 weeks, so I'm likely looking at a C-section between 37 & 38 weeks. I really couldn't care less how they get here, whatever is safest for them. Also, I don't actually know what sex they are, I'm just convinced they're 2 boys! Hubby thinks 1 of each, so we'll see who's right in about 5 weeks! Eeek!

I still can't believe this is real, I found all my paper work for the ivf the other day, and also the first attempt. I am beyond thankful everyday for how lucky we've been. I haven't forgotten how I felt then, and in some ways I still feel the same way. Our friends told us that they are having a baby a few weeks ago, I felt like I'd been punched. First thoughts within seconds was, how the hell to I get through this? Before I realised, it's ok. I'm ok. It amazes me that it can still hurt so much. I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling that way. I feel like I'll always be an infertile, after months of pregnancy forums I don't really feel like I belong anywhere now. I don't identify with the general pregnancy population, I can't share their blind faith that everything will be ok, and I can't forget the hurt I felt every damn day for 5 years, or the crushing unfairness at having a chemical pg after the first ivf. But then I don't feel I can join in with the lttc/ivfers either. I know I annoy them now, I've gone to the dark side & I can never return. I was asked by a "friend" for any advice leading up to her next ivf, and tried to explain that I had none. I don't believe that taking or avoiding any thing will help ivf work. It's a science. A numbers game. Either the numbers work for you or they don't. It wasn't what she wanted to hear & sadly I haven't heard from her since she told me the cycle had failed. I honestly meant no malice, I was just being honest, and voicing my opinion. Maybe I should have recommended pineapple juice? I can't say what made our cycle work, I have no clue.

Anyway, I've rambled long enough, I'm sure I'll update this again when the twins are 10! Seems to be my style!

19 Weeks 5 Days

I am terrible at keeping this updated. It seems that the further my pregnancy goes on the more I procastinate. Hmm.

Everything is going ok, so far. I still don't feel fully comfortable with taking this pregnancy for granted, I still have a very long way to go. I'm not used to cruising comfortably along, for such a long time life has been a roller coaster of a ride, up & down. And I think infertility leaves you with a very bitter view on  happy events. Yes I may be pregnant today, but tomorrow I may not be. I mean really, how many women that don't go through the shitty journey that is infertility & ivf, sit and fret that all this may be taken away from them. I'm guessing none. The ones Ive spoken with on forums, take it all very much for granted, because they got pregnant after 3 months, why would anything go wrong? That happens to other people. Just like infertility. That's meant to happen to other people. Some vague friend of a friend, not me.

I don't mean to sound so negative, I'm just scared I guess. I've waited so long for this, and now I'm pregnant, with twins. I'm worried if I start to believe it, it might just be taken away from me. Stay strong bubbas, stay strong.

On a positive note, by bump is growing by the day, it's very difficult to not see I'm pregnant. In fact I'm bigger than a friend who's 33 weeks! But I don't care, if it means the baby bubbas are growing big and strong. I'm also feeling movement from them. None of that butterfly crap the pg books will have you believe. Nope, I feel like I'm brewing farts when they start discoing! I still sit and wait for a fart to rip before I'm sure it's them.

My doppler is still the bane of my freaking life. I cannot not use it, but I'll be buggered if I can find both twins with it. I think Ive found them both, but then I can't be sure. I'm trying so hard to keep a sane head on my shoulders, but then I find myself googleing the possibility of having lost one twin *bangs head on laptop*

My pubic bone currently feels like it's about to crack open with every step I take, and my hips also sporadically decided to stop playing ball. But it's ok, according to the male GP I saw last week, it's all normal pregnancy stretching. Joy! But that's all I have to grumble about, and even then when I do, I feel like a massive shit, so I stop.

I have my 20 week scan next week! We have 100% decided NOT to find out what we're having. Although it's killing me :) I really want to know, But I know I'll regret it to my dying day if I do. It will be great to find out at the birth.

13 Weeks 4 Days

Well, it's been a while-Again! Seeing as I wanted to use this blog as a kind of keepsake/reference, I guess I suck! So much has happened, but then at the same nothing has happened.

I had a bit of a scare at 10+4. I had a bit of light brown discharge, and immediately my world ended. It was exactly the same as what happened when I miscarried. It started light, didn't get really any heavier, but I lost the baby a week later. Anyway, this time it stopped by Sunday evening, but re-appeared Tuesday Morning and stayed until Thursday when I had a very watery pink bleed. I was desperate, I just needed to know my babies were ok. But I couldn't get a scan until 9.30 on Sunday. Friday I had a lot of dark brown discharge, by this time we had resigned ourselves to the fact the worst was going to happen. Even though it hadn't got any worse, we knew it didn't need too. We spent the time accepting whatever lay ahead, knowing that we still had each other, and that however painful, we will get through it. It sounds so cheesy to write that, but if one good thing has come out of this infertility bull shit, it's that our relationship has never been stronger. Yes he bugs the hell out of me sometimes, but we know whatever shit life throws at us, we will survive it. I feel like a song such be cued there!

Anyway, Sunday came, we got to the early pregnancy unit, and it was explained to us that the sonographer wouldn't explain or show us anything, we will just be scanned, then wait to see the Nurse who would explain what was found. We went into the scan room, I was almost hyperventilating, I was so nervous. After scanning for about 30 seconds, the sonographer turned the screen and said "well I can see 2 heartbeats!" Oh the relief! She scanned for a few minutes longer letting us watch, Twin 1 was such a wriggle bum, his little arms were moving everywhere! Twin 2 on the other hand was just chilling! Twin one measured 11+3, and twin 2 measured 11+5-which is what I was. Twin 1 has always been smaller, but both have caught up from the last scan at 8 weeks. There was no reason given for the spotting, and so no guarantees it won't return.

The relief at seeing them healthy & happy lasted about 2 days when the paranoia crept back in! I stupidly brought a doppler, and now paranoia creeps in when I can't find both of them! I have another scan this coming Wednesday, my 12 week scan, but I'll be 14 weeks, its mainly a dating scan and also the scan to asses downs risk, but we've decided against it. It would have to be a 100% certainty that one of the babies was suffering pain for us to ever consider termination, so I don't see the point in having my risk assessed. It makes no difference anyway. I know a lot of other people feel differently, but I don't need a number to tell me my babies are perfect. They'll be perfect no matter what.

So anyway! Here they are at 11+5 I'm so in love with these little nuggets already :)

Babies are like buses.....

You wait 4 1/2 years then two come along at once!

We have 2, yes 2 heartbeats! Amazing, I am so in love with my prawny, space aliens! The scan went really well, we were told that twin 1 is measuring 7wks 4 day and twin 2 7wks 5days, I was 8 weeks yesterday, but apparently that's normal for twins.

 The Nurse explained that she would scan in silence for a few minutes then would explain what she was looking at, she was quiet for about a minute, I was staring at the ceiling the whole time, not daring to look at the screen. Then she spoke and said "do you want to look at the screen?" I said I don't know, do I want to? She said "you might want to, there's 2 heartbeats!" WHAT??? It was so crazy, but so amazing, they're just lying there chilling out, with their little heartbeats going. It's so crazy to think they're inside of me, and I can't feel them! Crazy!

So here are my bubbas, twin 2 is the white blob, he's implanted higher up, so we couldn't get a good enough pic of both of them together!

7 Weeks 6 Days

Well, it's Scan day tomorrow. It would be an understatement to say I'm shitting my pants. I really haven't helped myself though, I've been obsessively googling missed miscarriages & blighted ovums, desperately looking for symptoms or signs that will let me know I will be ok, or rather that baby bubba will be ok.

I've been feeling a bit icky since I last updated, I am starving all the time, and feel sick if my stomach gets even a little empty. I have been sick a few times, but mostly I'm just feeling nauseous. I'm wiped out from 2pm every day, I am barely doing anything other than sitting, sleeping or eating. I've alreadt gained 4lbs!

Well, that's all I can think of for now. Please, please let everything be ok.

6 Weeks 4 Days

And I'm still terrified. I'm convinced something is going to happen. I know I should "relax and enjoy it" But it's taken to long to get here, and it was far to hard a journey to be getting flippant now. I have to guard my heart. After the m/c last time I knew then I would always have to be realistic. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be going out to buy things, discuss names, dream about gender, but I can't. I have a week and a half until my scan at 8 weeks, and to say I'm nervous is an understatement. I keep having really horrible dreams, either that there is no heartbeat or that it's a blighted ovum. But then my dreams have been crazily vivid just lately, and not very nice at all. I've not had any sickness yet, but am having a lot of nausea and feeling generally hungover. I keep comparing my symptoms to others and worrying. So to sum up, I'm worrying :s

OTD

Yesterday was my test date, I was awake from 4.30. I don't know why I was so anxious or why I was convinced that the tests I had been doing all week would be wrong. At 6.30 I couldn't wait any longer, I grabbed my pee pot, and the digital test-we decided to be reckless and pay £12.99 for a fancy test! And 3 long minutes later it came up as pregnant 2-3 weeks.

I should have been elated, I should have been jumping around screaming. But I didn't. I took a deep breath and went back to bed to wake Hubby, he looked at the test grunted a few words and went back to sleep. Wow, talk about anti climax.

I want to be thrilled, I want to have the blind positivity other pregnant women have. To believe that miscarriage is something that happens to other people. But I can't. I'm terrified every time I go toilet. If I cramp a bit to long I'm convinced it's the end. I hate that infertility has robbed me of what should be a happy, joyous time. If this ends, can we afford another try? Because that's what it comes down too. There's no trying again next month. After 4 1/2 years and not one hint of a natural positive I doubt there ever will be.

I'm hoping beyond hope that this is our forever baby. But I can't let my heart get to involved, it hurt to much last time and I just don't know if I can take the pain again.

8DP5DT

So this happened today. I am now convinced I have jinxed myself, and that if I believe it for one second, it will be taken away from me. My otd isn't until Sat, which makes it 13dp5dt, so I'm now worried sick this will be another chemical pregnancy. But then I remember this is much darker than it was at this point last time, so that has to be a good thing, right? Ergh, the worry ad pain just never ends does it.

Ps, ignore my old lady hands, I am actually 29, well until Friday, then I'm 30! But my hands age me!

7DP5DT

Well, I caved and I tested again, and there was a faint line. This is still one of the crappy leftover tests, so I'm trying not to read to much into it. I have some frers coming tomorrow, so I *may* test again then. I'm worried that it is a case of history repeating itself. I got a faint positive on 7dp5dt last time, I know need to keep positive. Last time I started spotting at 9dp5dt, so fingers crossed and praying that doesn't happen again.

Hmm, it's a real head f**k isn't it.

5DP5DT

I have finally lost my sanity. I scavenged around my dressing room desperately looking for an old Internet cheapie test I knew I had left over from the last cycle. So I did it, and what do you know it's negative. Although, I am convincing myself that if I turn it 360 degrees, and hold it at a 90 degree angle with direct sunlight*  I can see "something". Now I'm not in a huge panic-yet. I am quite level headed about it all, as I know it's still quite early. BUT I am so frustrated with myself, I have no self restraint.

Pull it together woman, this behaviour is just stupid, and will only lead to heartbreak.


*Clearly by direct sunlight, I mean the flash light on my phone. Sunlight in Britain in Feb? Ha!

3DP5DT

Not much to report really. I have no symptoms, feeling quite crampy, but then I am super constipated! I also keep having sharp shooting pains in my right boob, but I'm not attributing any of this to positive signs, more the suppositories! I'm trying to remain calm, but I am slightly worried, as last time I am sure I felt implantation on 2dp5dt. Oh well, what will be.

Transfer Day

Well, we've done it! After being so stressed out about the outcome, we made it to transfer day.

We had to be at the hospital for 11, for a 11.30 transfer. We were the only ones there and so had no delays, which was nice.

I was taken into the theatre and to the right of the room was a screen with my 2 little blasties on it. The embryologist explained that of the 6 eggs collected, 6 were mature, 4 fertilised and 3 made it to blast. The 4th was a cavity blast, don't really know what that is, But of the 3, 1 was A graded, 1 B graded and one C. We transferred the the A&B and was advised that it wasn't really worth freezing the 3rd, which was fine, as it saves £500 towards either a pram or the next attempt *deep breath*
Then the nurse prepped me, along with the female Dr,  which I have to say, I have never really had a preference over male or female Drs, but she was super gentle, and almost made me enjoy the experience for the miracle it is. The transfer itself went really smoothly and I was told my womb lining looks very healthy and thick. The nurse told us after transfer that we have a lot to be positive about, 2 healthy Blasts, lovely lining, smooth transfer and age all on our side.

I'm not to sure, I don't want to get my hopes up, I would love this to work, but what will be, will be.

lost

I'm really struggling at the moment. I had my egg collection yesterday & it felt so very wrong. My cousin has just died & here we are selfishly carrying on regardless. My family are constantly telling me Marc would want us to carry on, and on some level I know he would. It just seems wrong.

Well on the subject of Eggs, we got 6. I'm pretty disappointed. We got the call this morning that 4 have fertilised, and that we will be going for a 5 day transfer on Sunday. Now my pessimist head is on, and I'm convinced we won't have any to transfer. Last time we had 13 retrieved & only, I think 2 made it to blast. I know I should be willing my little embryos to grow, but I'm hurting so much. I feel like it's only a matter of time before more shit is thrown at us. I have to be more positive.

Numb

My cousin took his own life on Friday. He was 26.

My family is broken & desperately looking for answers. Answers that will never be found.

Marc, your light will forever shine bright in my heart. Sleep peacefully.

Wake me up when this ends.

I am so over all of this. I'm trying so hard to remain positive, but why should this one work? Because we paid for it? Because we can't afford another? Because this is our last chance? Because after nearly 5 years, surely it's out turn?

I feel nothing, I have a scan & bloods on Weds, and have a feeling I'll also be starting on the menopur that night. Which then means we are on a countdown. A countdown to what? Excitement? Heartbreak? I just want a baby. I don't want any of this bullshit that comes with it.

I am officially Suprecurs bitch

Sooooo, I started my period yesterday,  after 11 days injecting suprecur. And oh my god do I know it. Literally the most painful and heaviest period I've ever had.

Literally, I am living in paranoid fear I'm going to "leak". So bad, that it actually stirred a really old memory I had completely forgotten! I was about 11/12 and it was my second ever period, I had a sleep over for my birthday, and everything was fantastic until I woke up the morning after. I had started my period during the night, so when I got out of my bed it was like something out of a horror film. Over the sheets, my nightie, everywhere. I burst into tears and ran to the bathroom, where I refused to leave, until all my friends had left! My mum was great, but I was devastated. Luckily I was the first to start my period, so my friends were pretty traumatised by the whole thing, and it was never mentioned again. But it took a looooong time for me to get over it.

Well, isn't that thrilling. A whole post about my bleeding vagina. Delightful.

On another note, I have a date early Wednesday morning with dildo cam. Can't wait, I love leaving the scan room feeling like I have half a bottle of lube up my foof.

Snowy lazy days

*Yawn*

That has pretty much been a constant for me since about Weds/Thurs. But I am completely happy to just have tiredness as my main "side effect" it's easy, and maybe, just maybe I'm sometimes using it to get hubby to do more around the house (insert angelic face here)

We've had a super lazy weekend, it snowed quite a bit here, so we spent Saturday visiting Grandparents to check on them, and make sure they have everything they need. I love visiting my Grandma & Grandad, we left filled up on Christmas chocolates & fruit scones -Yummy! I always end up overeating crap there ;)

Hubbys Gran lives alone, and I adore her, I really do. She is Polish & came here just after the 2nd world war. Her stories of being a child, desperately fleeing Poland & the Nazis are awe inspiring. We complain so much, about so many small, unimportant things, and yet she and thousands upon thousands of others suffered so much and were grateful for what little they had. By the age of 14 she had lost all her family except her brother & sister, was living in a foreign country & had no home anywhere to return too. Such an amazing lady, who is amazingly strong despite everything.

So after visiting her, everything seemed more in perspective. Yes this infertility situation is shitty, but how amazing, that we live in a country, in an age where we have such freedom. And also how much science has advanced to be able to have this chance to try for the family we long for. We have so much to be grateful for, I need to remind myself so much more often.

And we're off!

Cycle 2 has commenced, Eeeek! I started on the suprecur on Monday night. Had a complete meltdown before the first injection, like a proper child's tantrum, snot, tears, the works! Hubba has to freestyle the injections, we had a pen type "thing" last time. So I was freaking, I hate needles!

Feeling quite positive about it, not in a "it's definitely going to work" way, more of a "yes this is balls, and it will smash my heart into a thousand pieces, but I WILL be ok" way. I'm feeling ok with the suprecur, it just makes me super tired, but I am not complaining, I can handle that. I didn't have any side effects last time, and it's the same drug at the same doseage, so I wasn't really expecting to this time.

It has been so, SO cold here. Last night was -6 here, Brrrr! And with the snow it literally is just horrible! Don't get me wrong, I love snow before Christmas, just hate it when it isn't seasonally appropriate!

Anyway, the tv programme I'm watching is making me bawl like a baby, I just cannot see men crying, literally if I see a man break down I will cry within 2 seconds. But having said that it only takes me 4 seconds to cry if I see a woman cry, so I don't discriminate! If you cry I'll soon be with you!

And so it begins.......

Tomorrow I start injecting- Eeeek! I am literally shitting my pants. Feeling totally overwhelmed with all the what ifs, and desperately trying to keep busy and occupied. It's going to be a long 6/7 weeks.

F**k a duck & other infertility adventures.

Well, it's been a while, Merry Christmas & happy new year! Ha! Christmas was a quiet one, just me & the husband, which was quite nice. I have eaten far to much, I'm convinced my butt cheeks should resemble a Roses caramel barrel & a Quality Street toffee penny, I ate sooo many! Weighed myself last night, it was worse than I thought. Sigh. I got my period on the 28th & it was this cycle we agreed to start our next ivf. We knew it, and had been in agreement over this since Oct, but I'm still shitting my pants after speaking to the lovely nurse today, and finding out I will begin down regging on the 14th January. Literally f**k a duck! I can't believe we are getting back onto this crazy train.

I still struggle to get my head around the fact we've already had one attempt, I mean ivf is shit other people do. You vaguely feel sorry for them, but that's about it. But I've actually done it-what is that all about??! Does that make me crazy? I sometimes even forget we have "issues" and daydream about the children I'll have. Come on you crazy woman! It's been 4 1/2 years! Children?? I'll be frigging lucky if I end up with A child, let alone children!

I'm being a really shitty friend and avoiding seeing my pregnant friend. I just can't face seeing her. I'm actually feeling quite happy at the moment, but know spending any time with her will lead me to the depths of self pity. And frankly I can't be arsed with it. I know I should just suck it up and be a fecking decent person, but I'm not!

Umm, I think that's about it, I'm going to try to make an effort to make blog friends this year, and keep this updated, lord knows I'm going to need it pretty soon!

Oh and did I mention, that our test date will be around the 26th-ish of Feb, and my 30th Birthday is on the 1st March. Oh my! My birthday is going to be so much fun this year! I'm putting money on the double whammy of doom!