Babies are like buses.....

You wait 4 1/2 years then two come along at once!

We have 2, yes 2 heartbeats! Amazing, I am so in love with my prawny, space aliens! The scan went really well, we were told that twin 1 is measuring 7wks 4 day and twin 2 7wks 5days, I was 8 weeks yesterday, but apparently that's normal for twins.

 The Nurse explained that she would scan in silence for a few minutes then would explain what she was looking at, she was quiet for about a minute, I was staring at the ceiling the whole time, not daring to look at the screen. Then she spoke and said "do you want to look at the screen?" I said I don't know, do I want to? She said "you might want to, there's 2 heartbeats!" WHAT??? It was so crazy, but so amazing, they're just lying there chilling out, with their little heartbeats going. It's so crazy to think they're inside of me, and I can't feel them! Crazy!

So here are my bubbas, twin 2 is the white blob, he's implanted higher up, so we couldn't get a good enough pic of both of them together!

7 Weeks 6 Days

Well, it's Scan day tomorrow. It would be an understatement to say I'm shitting my pants. I really haven't helped myself though, I've been obsessively googling missed miscarriages & blighted ovums, desperately looking for symptoms or signs that will let me know I will be ok, or rather that baby bubba will be ok.

I've been feeling a bit icky since I last updated, I am starving all the time, and feel sick if my stomach gets even a little empty. I have been sick a few times, but mostly I'm just feeling nauseous. I'm wiped out from 2pm every day, I am barely doing anything other than sitting, sleeping or eating. I've alreadt gained 4lbs!

Well, that's all I can think of for now. Please, please let everything be ok.

6 Weeks 4 Days

And I'm still terrified. I'm convinced something is going to happen. I know I should "relax and enjoy it" But it's taken to long to get here, and it was far to hard a journey to be getting flippant now. I have to guard my heart. After the m/c last time I knew then I would always have to be realistic. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be going out to buy things, discuss names, dream about gender, but I can't. I have a week and a half until my scan at 8 weeks, and to say I'm nervous is an understatement. I keep having really horrible dreams, either that there is no heartbeat or that it's a blighted ovum. But then my dreams have been crazily vivid just lately, and not very nice at all. I've not had any sickness yet, but am having a lot of nausea and feeling generally hungover. I keep comparing my symptoms to others and worrying. So to sum up, I'm worrying :s

OTD

Yesterday was my test date, I was awake from 4.30. I don't know why I was so anxious or why I was convinced that the tests I had been doing all week would be wrong. At 6.30 I couldn't wait any longer, I grabbed my pee pot, and the digital test-we decided to be reckless and pay £12.99 for a fancy test! And 3 long minutes later it came up as pregnant 2-3 weeks.

I should have been elated, I should have been jumping around screaming. But I didn't. I took a deep breath and went back to bed to wake Hubby, he looked at the test grunted a few words and went back to sleep. Wow, talk about anti climax.

I want to be thrilled, I want to have the blind positivity other pregnant women have. To believe that miscarriage is something that happens to other people. But I can't. I'm terrified every time I go toilet. If I cramp a bit to long I'm convinced it's the end. I hate that infertility has robbed me of what should be a happy, joyous time. If this ends, can we afford another try? Because that's what it comes down too. There's no trying again next month. After 4 1/2 years and not one hint of a natural positive I doubt there ever will be.

I'm hoping beyond hope that this is our forever baby. But I can't let my heart get to involved, it hurt to much last time and I just don't know if I can take the pain again.