Oh infertility, you suck massive balls.....

Well, it's been a while. We've had a bit of a worrying time with my Grandad, but thankfully he is slowly recovering. I haven't blogged in a while, as I felt I had nothing worthwhile to say. Then tonight, I am settling down for the Xfactor final (Don't Judge!) & I notice a text from my best friend. Bam. Knife to the stomach. She's pregnant with no2. Now don't get me wrong, of course I am happy for her, she's a fantastic person, and an amazing mum. But for fucks sake, can I not get a break? 4 1/2 years later, would it hurt for it to just once be me that has the happy news? I am now dreading our cycle starting in Jan. I have a gut feeling this won't work. I know it sounds crazy, but I always knew I would get pregnant, and I did. We were so lucky to get that positive, even if it only lasted a week.  I just know deep down that, that is all we will have. I'm trying desperately not to let the bitterness eat me alive. Wish me luck.....

Life goes on...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the past year. It seems so much has happened, when in reality nothing has happened. Last Saturday marked 1 year since I miscarried. I can't believe it has been a year already, it feels like no time has passed at all. I still remember everything so vividly. I wish we were starting another cycle sooner, I feel ready now.But January will be here before I know it, and I'm sure then I'll be saying the exact opposite!

When I look back, I remember how desperate I was back then. I needed to be pregnant again, and I really couldn't see how I would ever be ok again. I was so angry, at pregnant women, at my husband, at everyone. I felt I needed a baby to validate my life, that it was nothing but empty and pointless. I haven't really done anything in particular to actively change anything, I guess time really is a healer. Don't get me wrong, I can still breakdown without warning, but it's getting less and less, and I am genuinely feeling more content with what I have right now.

I wonder what life will be like in a years time?

Sorry for the LATE attempt!

This is so me, I'm always late, sorry :(

But anyway, here is my face, please excuse it! I look so bad today, and also please ignore the TV playing in the background- classy move by me! Oh and please don't judge if you get clips of our super messy back garden! It's on the to do list- our neighbours hate us, I'm sure of it!

So yeah, here's my face.....

I'm gone! Lost the balls to keep this up to long!

Waaaahhhhh! Updated!

Right, It seems I can literally talk for england. My video is too long, and you tube is being a bitch about it, so I think I may need an extension! I'm going to re-film tomorrow and keep it short & sweet! Gah, I've been really enjoying everybody's videos too. But I will be back tomorrow, I promise!


I can't seem to upload my video :(

I can't figure out why it won't load, I'm using imovie, is there anything better to use?  Anyway, i have to go shopping, then I will be coming to view everyone else!

I'm so ill!

I have man flu, BAD.

Literally I am a mess, I barely have a voice, and when I called Hubby earlier to say I had to finish work early, he told me to stop putting my poorly voice on! It was what I have left of my actual voice. So i have spent the evening reading bad, trashy magazines, drinking cough syrup, barking like a seal & generally moaning. I do not do ill.

On a plus note, I have just watched Emmerdale live- fantastic! Am now watching TOWIE-literally the worst thing on tv right now, but i love it!

Right where's the lemsip...

Ugh part 2

UGH!

Today I am pretty certain someone out there is just taking the piss out of me.

For the last week we have been having a new fancy boiler & shower fitted (shower's not so fancy, the bastard boiler took all our money) well anyway, everything was finished yesterday, hip hooray! I had a lovely shower and then marvelled at how the house was actually warm, yes finally, I felt cosy.

Cut to 6.15am this morning, and both me and hubby are woken by a very loud gushing noise, we both instantly run to the bathroom to find the shower absolutely pissing water from one of the pipe fixings, I grabbed a hand towel & tried to stop the bathroom floor flooding anymore than it already was. Screamed at hubby to turn the stopcock off, and literally I thought he was blind or something! He just stood there panic stricken whilst I was getting absolutely soaked with freezing cold water! Anyway, hubby finally moved, failed to turn stopcock off or find the isolation valves fitted to the shower, but did triumph in ringing his Dad! That's my boy! So now I have no shower AGAIN!!!

On the plus side, we did giggle at the fact that I totes showed my nipples to my father in law! Not intentionally, but I failed to realise that white t-shirts do go see through when wet! To bad that my nipples were around my waist on their first wet t-shirt appearance!

All of this before 7am. And now, I have a full blown cold. I am quite certain that I have an actual razor blade in my throat, and most worryingly, I don't want chocolate. I must seriously be ill.

And it's the great British bake off final tonight, boo hiss! Can't decide who I want to win, I think James, but then I love Brendans' retro!

Please, please to whoever rules the universe, please let me sleep tonight, or else I will be a freaking bitch to everyone!

Ugh!

So, after our appointment last week, we decided to delay starting our next cycle until after Christmas. It will just work so much easier. But a part of me wants it to be over with already! Also, I was told I have a slightly low AMH. Still within a normal range, but low for my age. SO now I'm in panic mode so bad. But I'm keeping it in. But I can already feel the anxiety building.

I had an amazing night on Saturday, went out with my friend, and just had so much fun, I felt so happy, all day yesterday I felt crappy, but only from my hangover, but still buzzing! Today, I'm off work, we're having a new boiler & shower fitted, and it's not going to well. The plumber has already been here a week, violating my house! But anyway, Today. Today I feel so ugh. It doesn't help that people keep asking me about my ex best friend, apparently she's back on fb ( I don't have fb) & posting lots & uploading pictures. Now, we never really had a major fall out, she just left her husband, moved in with new boyfriend 2 months later, and then dumped me because new bf didn't like me (because of something my cousin said!). And haven't seen her in over a year & a half. So as you can imagine I'm pretty cut up, I still miss her almost every damn day. And so people asking me about her, well it's ripping open the cuts that are still only just beginning to scab over. It sounds stupid, But I literally live in fear of bumping into her, and her being pregnant. How silly & stupid is that?? Blahhhh.

I need hubby home, I need more friends, and I need to start freaking accept a life without children.

I wish I had one of those happy blogs, that everyone loves. You know, spouting crap about riding unicorns, and cherishing every moment. Yeah, its autumn in the uk, which does not mean spectacular trees & skies. It means grey & drizzle. Every day. I'm probably never going to be a mum, and I'm gonna take a wild guess & say I'm probs never gonna be riding a fricking unicorn.

A little update

Well, it's been a while, and quite a bit has happened. We are now in the beginning stages of our 2nd attempt, Eek! So far I have had the lovely day 2 scan, gotta love that! Not only do you have to suffer the humiliation of dildo cam, but oh yes, on cycle day 2! So yes, I have deposited my (Only just recovered) dignity once again, and am ready to rock! Hubby did his SA, & was very impressed with the facilities, not only was there a wide selection of "material" but also lube! Haha! We have an appointment with the consultant on Monday, so I'm hoping we will get a start date then. I have to say that so far I've been impressed with the hospital, but then for £6,500 it bloody should be!

Aside from that I haven't really done much. I have spent an obscene amount of money on make up, and that is really it!

I shall update on Monday, hopefully with good news!

Tuesday, Oh Tuesday.

Well, today has been a not so fab day. First off, it's only Tuesday. Second, I just looked in the mirror at 6.30pm & have a huge yellow head on my nose , after spending all day at work-Nice! And thirdly, I am currently 2 days into the period from hell and have almost consumed my body weight in dairy milk (I'm a big bird). Bad times.

But on the upside, the great british bake off is on tonight, and I LOVE that programme. Almost as much as I love Mark Foster.

2 words. Silver. Fox. Too bad he's gay, I'm sure he totes would have fallen in love with me otherwise. Ha!

Anyway, I'm pretty sure there's some digestives in the biscuit tin destined for my tummy.

Jeez, would a lttle positivity kill me?

I've just looked over my past posts, and have to say I'm a little embarassed! They are so moany, and actually everything my personality generally isn't. It seems like I only ever blog when I need to put down my inner thoughts somewhere nobody will see. I suppose this has been my therapy, publishing painful thoughts into cyber space, where nobody offers empty, well meaning advice, because really, no-one knows I'm here! Haha!

Well, we recently celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary, and added another year onto the ttc tally, woop woop! I'm still finding I have days where I'm absolutely broken with the sadness of it all, but generally I'm much happier. We are being very realistic about our chances, and are living our life as we want, rather than putting things off because, you know I could be pregnant in 6 months time (ha!) We even finally decorated the room, that has always been unofficially the "nursery" It is now my office & I love it. I love that it has a purpose rather than a dump room waiting to be something it may never be. Strangely a bit like me :/

I'm still struggling with feeling like I need something to validate my life. But generally find this gets better when I avoid people with children at all costs! Like when talking to my brother in law (who as a side note, is a massive cock.) about a super cheap contact lenses website, he cut in to tell me that since having their kid (who is now 3 1/2) he doesn't have time to wear contacts. No but you have the time to go away with your mates on a bike riding holiday for 4 days! Tosser!

Deep breath! We have finally decided to have another go at treatment, I'm actually crapping my pants,but just want to get going with it now, unfortunately I don't think it will start until after Xmas now, but it will be good to work towards it. Although we are STILL waiting for the old hospital to send our notes, they cashed the cheque 2 weeks ago, but we still haven't received anything. They have another week before I go nuclear on their asses!

What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

That's what I keep telling myself, and what I think most people who know about our situation must think too. You can't miss what you never had, right? So why not just carry on as if nothing ever happened. I don't know what it is to be a mum, I doubt I will ever know what it feels like to carry a baby in my womb. To experience the joy & nervousness of preparing for the birth. I know all of this, but I also know the absolute heart break that i feel everyday, as we prepare for a future without a baby. No mother will never know how all consuming my longing for a baby is.

I suppose I just don't know where to go. Children was always the biggest goal for me. Where do we go now? What path do we take? I feel my life is worthless, and I have no idea how to validate it.

New Beginnings?

Well, I can't actually remember when I last updated this, and quite frankly I don't want to look. There's to much pain attached to looking back, and I have to start looking forward. The last year, has had so many highs, but also so, so many desperate heartbreaking lows. Getting my first ever postive pg test, only for it to be taken away a week later. It was my birthday last week, and all I kept thinking, was that my life should be so different right now. But it's not.

We are looking to start another cycle, but I am just not ready for it right now. I'm not sure I can handle the dissapointment. And the stakes are higher this time, it will be our 2nd and final attempt. It's not a situation I want to deal with right now, I can't comprehend how I will deal with the harsh reality of a childless future.

I only want to be a Mum.