I am so over all of this. I'm trying so hard to remain positive, but why should this one work? Because we paid for it? Because we can't afford another? Because this is our last chance? Because after nearly 5 years, surely it's out turn?
I feel nothing, I have a scan & bloods on Weds, and have a feeling I'll also be starting on the menopur that night. Which then means we are on a countdown. A countdown to what? Excitement? Heartbreak? I just want a baby. I don't want any of this bullshit that comes with it.
Monday 28 January 2013
Friday 25 January 2013
I am officially Suprecurs bitch
Sooooo, I started my period yesterday, after 11 days injecting suprecur. And oh my god do I know it. Literally the most painful and heaviest period I've ever had.
Literally, I am living in paranoid fear I'm going to "leak". So bad, that it actually stirred a really old memory I had completely forgotten! I was about 11/12 and it was my second ever period, I had a sleep over for my birthday, and everything was fantastic until I woke up the morning after. I had started my period during the night, so when I got out of my bed it was like something out of a horror film. Over the sheets, my nightie, everywhere. I burst into tears and ran to the bathroom, where I refused to leave, until all my friends had left! My mum was great, but I was devastated. Luckily I was the first to start my period, so my friends were pretty traumatised by the whole thing, and it was never mentioned again. But it took a looooong time for me to get over it.
Well, isn't that thrilling. A whole post about my bleeding vagina. Delightful.
On another note, I have a date early Wednesday morning with dildo cam. Can't wait, I love leaving the scan room feeling like I have half a bottle of lube up my foof.
Literally, I am living in paranoid fear I'm going to "leak". So bad, that it actually stirred a really old memory I had completely forgotten! I was about 11/12 and it was my second ever period, I had a sleep over for my birthday, and everything was fantastic until I woke up the morning after. I had started my period during the night, so when I got out of my bed it was like something out of a horror film. Over the sheets, my nightie, everywhere. I burst into tears and ran to the bathroom, where I refused to leave, until all my friends had left! My mum was great, but I was devastated. Luckily I was the first to start my period, so my friends were pretty traumatised by the whole thing, and it was never mentioned again. But it took a looooong time for me to get over it.
Well, isn't that thrilling. A whole post about my bleeding vagina. Delightful.
On another note, I have a date early Wednesday morning with dildo cam. Can't wait, I love leaving the scan room feeling like I have half a bottle of lube up my foof.
Monday 21 January 2013
Snowy lazy days
*Yawn*
That has pretty much been a constant for me since about Weds/Thurs. But I am completely happy to just have tiredness as my main "side effect" it's easy, and maybe, just maybe I'm sometimes using it to get hubby to do more around the house (insert angelic face here)
We've had a super lazy weekend, it snowed quite a bit here, so we spent Saturday visiting Grandparents to check on them, and make sure they have everything they need. I love visiting my Grandma & Grandad, we left filled up on Christmas chocolates & fruit scones -Yummy! I always end up overeating crap there ;)
Hubbys Gran lives alone, and I adore her, I really do. She is Polish & came here just after the 2nd world war. Her stories of being a child, desperately fleeing Poland & the Nazis are awe inspiring. We complain so much, about so many small, unimportant things, and yet she and thousands upon thousands of others suffered so much and were grateful for what little they had. By the age of 14 she had lost all her family except her brother & sister, was living in a foreign country & had no home anywhere to return too. Such an amazing lady, who is amazingly strong despite everything.
So after visiting her, everything seemed more in perspective. Yes this infertility situation is shitty, but how amazing, that we live in a country, in an age where we have such freedom. And also how much science has advanced to be able to have this chance to try for the family we long for. We have so much to be grateful for, I need to remind myself so much more often.
That has pretty much been a constant for me since about Weds/Thurs. But I am completely happy to just have tiredness as my main "side effect" it's easy, and maybe, just maybe I'm sometimes using it to get hubby to do more around the house (insert angelic face here)
We've had a super lazy weekend, it snowed quite a bit here, so we spent Saturday visiting Grandparents to check on them, and make sure they have everything they need. I love visiting my Grandma & Grandad, we left filled up on Christmas chocolates & fruit scones -Yummy! I always end up overeating crap there ;)
Hubbys Gran lives alone, and I adore her, I really do. She is Polish & came here just after the 2nd world war. Her stories of being a child, desperately fleeing Poland & the Nazis are awe inspiring. We complain so much, about so many small, unimportant things, and yet she and thousands upon thousands of others suffered so much and were grateful for what little they had. By the age of 14 she had lost all her family except her brother & sister, was living in a foreign country & had no home anywhere to return too. Such an amazing lady, who is amazingly strong despite everything.
So after visiting her, everything seemed more in perspective. Yes this infertility situation is shitty, but how amazing, that we live in a country, in an age where we have such freedom. And also how much science has advanced to be able to have this chance to try for the family we long for. We have so much to be grateful for, I need to remind myself so much more often.
Thursday 17 January 2013
And we're off!
Cycle 2 has commenced, Eeeek! I started on the suprecur on Monday night. Had a complete meltdown before the first injection, like a proper child's tantrum, snot, tears, the works! Hubba has to freestyle the injections, we had a pen type "thing" last time. So I was freaking, I hate needles!
Feeling quite positive about it, not in a "it's definitely going to work" way, more of a "yes this is balls, and it will smash my heart into a thousand pieces, but I WILL be ok" way. I'm feeling ok with the suprecur, it just makes me super tired, but I am not complaining, I can handle that. I didn't have any side effects last time, and it's the same drug at the same doseage, so I wasn't really expecting to this time.
It has been so, SO cold here. Last night was -6 here, Brrrr! And with the snow it literally is just horrible! Don't get me wrong, I love snow before Christmas, just hate it when it isn't seasonally appropriate!
Anyway, the tv programme I'm watching is making me bawl like a baby, I just cannot see men crying, literally if I see a man break down I will cry within 2 seconds. But having said that it only takes me 4 seconds to cry if I see a woman cry, so I don't discriminate! If you cry I'll soon be with you!
Feeling quite positive about it, not in a "it's definitely going to work" way, more of a "yes this is balls, and it will smash my heart into a thousand pieces, but I WILL be ok" way. I'm feeling ok with the suprecur, it just makes me super tired, but I am not complaining, I can handle that. I didn't have any side effects last time, and it's the same drug at the same doseage, so I wasn't really expecting to this time.
It has been so, SO cold here. Last night was -6 here, Brrrr! And with the snow it literally is just horrible! Don't get me wrong, I love snow before Christmas, just hate it when it isn't seasonally appropriate!
Anyway, the tv programme I'm watching is making me bawl like a baby, I just cannot see men crying, literally if I see a man break down I will cry within 2 seconds. But having said that it only takes me 4 seconds to cry if I see a woman cry, so I don't discriminate! If you cry I'll soon be with you!
Sunday 13 January 2013
And so it begins.......
Tomorrow I start injecting- Eeeek! I am literally shitting my pants. Feeling totally overwhelmed with all the what ifs, and desperately trying to keep busy and occupied. It's going to be a long 6/7 weeks.
Friday 4 January 2013
F**k a duck & other infertility adventures.
Well, it's been a while, Merry Christmas & happy new year! Ha! Christmas was a quiet one, just me & the husband, which was quite nice. I have eaten far to much, I'm convinced my butt cheeks should resemble a Roses caramel barrel & a Quality Street toffee penny, I ate sooo many! Weighed myself last night, it was worse than I thought. Sigh. I got my period on the 28th & it was this cycle we agreed to start our next ivf. We knew it, and had been in agreement over this since Oct, but I'm still shitting my pants after speaking to the lovely nurse today, and finding out I will begin down regging on the 14th January. Literally f**k a duck! I can't believe we are getting back onto this crazy train.
I still struggle to get my head around the fact we've already had one attempt, I mean ivf is shit other people do. You vaguely feel sorry for them, but that's about it. But I've actually done it-what is that all about??! Does that make me crazy? I sometimes even forget we have "issues" and daydream about the children I'll have. Come on you crazy woman! It's been 4 1/2 years! Children?? I'll be frigging lucky if I end up with A child, let alone children!
I'm being a really shitty friend and avoiding seeing my pregnant friend. I just can't face seeing her. I'm actually feeling quite happy at the moment, but know spending any time with her will lead me to the depths of self pity. And frankly I can't be arsed with it. I know I should just suck it up and be a fecking decent person, but I'm not!
Umm, I think that's about it, I'm going to try to make an effort to make blog friends this year, and keep this updated, lord knows I'm going to need it pretty soon!
Oh and did I mention, that our test date will be around the 26th-ish of Feb, and my 30th Birthday is on the 1st March. Oh my! My birthday is going to be so much fun this year! I'm putting money on the double whammy of doom!
I still struggle to get my head around the fact we've already had one attempt, I mean ivf is shit other people do. You vaguely feel sorry for them, but that's about it. But I've actually done it-what is that all about??! Does that make me crazy? I sometimes even forget we have "issues" and daydream about the children I'll have. Come on you crazy woman! It's been 4 1/2 years! Children?? I'll be frigging lucky if I end up with A child, let alone children!
I'm being a really shitty friend and avoiding seeing my pregnant friend. I just can't face seeing her. I'm actually feeling quite happy at the moment, but know spending any time with her will lead me to the depths of self pity. And frankly I can't be arsed with it. I know I should just suck it up and be a fecking decent person, but I'm not!
Umm, I think that's about it, I'm going to try to make an effort to make blog friends this year, and keep this updated, lord knows I'm going to need it pretty soon!
Oh and did I mention, that our test date will be around the 26th-ish of Feb, and my 30th Birthday is on the 1st March. Oh my! My birthday is going to be so much fun this year! I'm putting money on the double whammy of doom!
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