OTD

Yesterday was my test date, I was awake from 4.30. I don't know why I was so anxious or why I was convinced that the tests I had been doing all week would be wrong. At 6.30 I couldn't wait any longer, I grabbed my pee pot, and the digital test-we decided to be reckless and pay £12.99 for a fancy test! And 3 long minutes later it came up as pregnant 2-3 weeks.

I should have been elated, I should have been jumping around screaming. But I didn't. I took a deep breath and went back to bed to wake Hubby, he looked at the test grunted a few words and went back to sleep. Wow, talk about anti climax.

I want to be thrilled, I want to have the blind positivity other pregnant women have. To believe that miscarriage is something that happens to other people. But I can't. I'm terrified every time I go toilet. If I cramp a bit to long I'm convinced it's the end. I hate that infertility has robbed me of what should be a happy, joyous time. If this ends, can we afford another try? Because that's what it comes down too. There's no trying again next month. After 4 1/2 years and not one hint of a natural positive I doubt there ever will be.

I'm hoping beyond hope that this is our forever baby. But I can't let my heart get to involved, it hurt to much last time and I just don't know if I can take the pain again.