Belonging

Umm, ok it's been a while....again!

Well I'm now 32 +5, the bubbas are doing great, they are currently estimated to weigh around 4lbs 9oz & 4lbs 14oz! Great weights for twins. Twin 1 is breech and twin 2 is kind of blocking him, I've been told there's little chance he'll turn before 37 weeks, so I'm likely looking at a C-section between 37 & 38 weeks. I really couldn't care less how they get here, whatever is safest for them. Also, I don't actually know what sex they are, I'm just convinced they're 2 boys! Hubby thinks 1 of each, so we'll see who's right in about 5 weeks! Eeek!

I still can't believe this is real, I found all my paper work for the ivf the other day, and also the first attempt. I am beyond thankful everyday for how lucky we've been. I haven't forgotten how I felt then, and in some ways I still feel the same way. Our friends told us that they are having a baby a few weeks ago, I felt like I'd been punched. First thoughts within seconds was, how the hell to I get through this? Before I realised, it's ok. I'm ok. It amazes me that it can still hurt so much. I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling that way. I feel like I'll always be an infertile, after months of pregnancy forums I don't really feel like I belong anywhere now. I don't identify with the general pregnancy population, I can't share their blind faith that everything will be ok, and I can't forget the hurt I felt every damn day for 5 years, or the crushing unfairness at having a chemical pg after the first ivf. But then I don't feel I can join in with the lttc/ivfers either. I know I annoy them now, I've gone to the dark side & I can never return. I was asked by a "friend" for any advice leading up to her next ivf, and tried to explain that I had none. I don't believe that taking or avoiding any thing will help ivf work. It's a science. A numbers game. Either the numbers work for you or they don't. It wasn't what she wanted to hear & sadly I haven't heard from her since she told me the cycle had failed. I honestly meant no malice, I was just being honest, and voicing my opinion. Maybe I should have recommended pineapple juice? I can't say what made our cycle work, I have no clue.

Anyway, I've rambled long enough, I'm sure I'll update this again when the twins are 10! Seems to be my style!