Life goes on...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the past year. It seems so much has happened, when in reality nothing has happened. Last Saturday marked 1 year since I miscarried. I can't believe it has been a year already, it feels like no time has passed at all. I still remember everything so vividly. I wish we were starting another cycle sooner, I feel ready now.But January will be here before I know it, and I'm sure then I'll be saying the exact opposite!

When I look back, I remember how desperate I was back then. I needed to be pregnant again, and I really couldn't see how I would ever be ok again. I was so angry, at pregnant women, at my husband, at everyone. I felt I needed a baby to validate my life, that it was nothing but empty and pointless. I haven't really done anything in particular to actively change anything, I guess time really is a healer. Don't get me wrong, I can still breakdown without warning, but it's getting less and less, and I am genuinely feeling more content with what I have right now.

I wonder what life will be like in a years time?

Sorry for the LATE attempt!

This is so me, I'm always late, sorry :(

But anyway, here is my face, please excuse it! I look so bad today, and also please ignore the TV playing in the background- classy move by me! Oh and please don't judge if you get clips of our super messy back garden! It's on the to do list- our neighbours hate us, I'm sure of it!

So yeah, here's my face.....

I'm gone! Lost the balls to keep this up to long!

Waaaahhhhh! Updated!

Right, It seems I can literally talk for england. My video is too long, and you tube is being a bitch about it, so I think I may need an extension! I'm going to re-film tomorrow and keep it short & sweet! Gah, I've been really enjoying everybody's videos too. But I will be back tomorrow, I promise!


I can't seem to upload my video :(

I can't figure out why it won't load, I'm using imovie, is there anything better to use?  Anyway, i have to go shopping, then I will be coming to view everyone else!

I'm so ill!

I have man flu, BAD.

Literally I am a mess, I barely have a voice, and when I called Hubby earlier to say I had to finish work early, he told me to stop putting my poorly voice on! It was what I have left of my actual voice. So i have spent the evening reading bad, trashy magazines, drinking cough syrup, barking like a seal & generally moaning. I do not do ill.

On a plus note, I have just watched Emmerdale live- fantastic! Am now watching TOWIE-literally the worst thing on tv right now, but i love it!

Right where's the lemsip...

Ugh part 2

UGH!

Today I am pretty certain someone out there is just taking the piss out of me.

For the last week we have been having a new fancy boiler & shower fitted (shower's not so fancy, the bastard boiler took all our money) well anyway, everything was finished yesterday, hip hooray! I had a lovely shower and then marvelled at how the house was actually warm, yes finally, I felt cosy.

Cut to 6.15am this morning, and both me and hubby are woken by a very loud gushing noise, we both instantly run to the bathroom to find the shower absolutely pissing water from one of the pipe fixings, I grabbed a hand towel & tried to stop the bathroom floor flooding anymore than it already was. Screamed at hubby to turn the stopcock off, and literally I thought he was blind or something! He just stood there panic stricken whilst I was getting absolutely soaked with freezing cold water! Anyway, hubby finally moved, failed to turn stopcock off or find the isolation valves fitted to the shower, but did triumph in ringing his Dad! That's my boy! So now I have no shower AGAIN!!!

On the plus side, we did giggle at the fact that I totes showed my nipples to my father in law! Not intentionally, but I failed to realise that white t-shirts do go see through when wet! To bad that my nipples were around my waist on their first wet t-shirt appearance!

All of this before 7am. And now, I have a full blown cold. I am quite certain that I have an actual razor blade in my throat, and most worryingly, I don't want chocolate. I must seriously be ill.

And it's the great British bake off final tonight, boo hiss! Can't decide who I want to win, I think James, but then I love Brendans' retro!

Please, please to whoever rules the universe, please let me sleep tonight, or else I will be a freaking bitch to everyone!

Ugh!

So, after our appointment last week, we decided to delay starting our next cycle until after Christmas. It will just work so much easier. But a part of me wants it to be over with already! Also, I was told I have a slightly low AMH. Still within a normal range, but low for my age. SO now I'm in panic mode so bad. But I'm keeping it in. But I can already feel the anxiety building.

I had an amazing night on Saturday, went out with my friend, and just had so much fun, I felt so happy, all day yesterday I felt crappy, but only from my hangover, but still buzzing! Today, I'm off work, we're having a new boiler & shower fitted, and it's not going to well. The plumber has already been here a week, violating my house! But anyway, Today. Today I feel so ugh. It doesn't help that people keep asking me about my ex best friend, apparently she's back on fb ( I don't have fb) & posting lots & uploading pictures. Now, we never really had a major fall out, she just left her husband, moved in with new boyfriend 2 months later, and then dumped me because new bf didn't like me (because of something my cousin said!). And haven't seen her in over a year & a half. So as you can imagine I'm pretty cut up, I still miss her almost every damn day. And so people asking me about her, well it's ripping open the cuts that are still only just beginning to scab over. It sounds stupid, But I literally live in fear of bumping into her, and her being pregnant. How silly & stupid is that?? Blahhhh.

I need hubby home, I need more friends, and I need to start freaking accept a life without children.

I wish I had one of those happy blogs, that everyone loves. You know, spouting crap about riding unicorns, and cherishing every moment. Yeah, its autumn in the uk, which does not mean spectacular trees & skies. It means grey & drizzle. Every day. I'm probably never going to be a mum, and I'm gonna take a wild guess & say I'm probs never gonna be riding a fricking unicorn.

A little update

Well, it's been a while, and quite a bit has happened. We are now in the beginning stages of our 2nd attempt, Eek! So far I have had the lovely day 2 scan, gotta love that! Not only do you have to suffer the humiliation of dildo cam, but oh yes, on cycle day 2! So yes, I have deposited my (Only just recovered) dignity once again, and am ready to rock! Hubby did his SA, & was very impressed with the facilities, not only was there a wide selection of "material" but also lube! Haha! We have an appointment with the consultant on Monday, so I'm hoping we will get a start date then. I have to say that so far I've been impressed with the hospital, but then for £6,500 it bloody should be!

Aside from that I haven't really done much. I have spent an obscene amount of money on make up, and that is really it!

I shall update on Monday, hopefully with good news!