Babies are like buses.....

You wait 4 1/2 years then two come along at once!

We have 2, yes 2 heartbeats! Amazing, I am so in love with my prawny, space aliens! The scan went really well, we were told that twin 1 is measuring 7wks 4 day and twin 2 7wks 5days, I was 8 weeks yesterday, but apparently that's normal for twins.

 The Nurse explained that she would scan in silence for a few minutes then would explain what she was looking at, she was quiet for about a minute, I was staring at the ceiling the whole time, not daring to look at the screen. Then she spoke and said "do you want to look at the screen?" I said I don't know, do I want to? She said "you might want to, there's 2 heartbeats!" WHAT??? It was so crazy, but so amazing, they're just lying there chilling out, with their little heartbeats going. It's so crazy to think they're inside of me, and I can't feel them! Crazy!

So here are my bubbas, twin 2 is the white blob, he's implanted higher up, so we couldn't get a good enough pic of both of them together!

7 Weeks 6 Days

Well, it's Scan day tomorrow. It would be an understatement to say I'm shitting my pants. I really haven't helped myself though, I've been obsessively googling missed miscarriages & blighted ovums, desperately looking for symptoms or signs that will let me know I will be ok, or rather that baby bubba will be ok.

I've been feeling a bit icky since I last updated, I am starving all the time, and feel sick if my stomach gets even a little empty. I have been sick a few times, but mostly I'm just feeling nauseous. I'm wiped out from 2pm every day, I am barely doing anything other than sitting, sleeping or eating. I've alreadt gained 4lbs!

Well, that's all I can think of for now. Please, please let everything be ok.

6 Weeks 4 Days

And I'm still terrified. I'm convinced something is going to happen. I know I should "relax and enjoy it" But it's taken to long to get here, and it was far to hard a journey to be getting flippant now. I have to guard my heart. After the m/c last time I knew then I would always have to be realistic. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be going out to buy things, discuss names, dream about gender, but I can't. I have a week and a half until my scan at 8 weeks, and to say I'm nervous is an understatement. I keep having really horrible dreams, either that there is no heartbeat or that it's a blighted ovum. But then my dreams have been crazily vivid just lately, and not very nice at all. I've not had any sickness yet, but am having a lot of nausea and feeling generally hungover. I keep comparing my symptoms to others and worrying. So to sum up, I'm worrying :s

OTD

Yesterday was my test date, I was awake from 4.30. I don't know why I was so anxious or why I was convinced that the tests I had been doing all week would be wrong. At 6.30 I couldn't wait any longer, I grabbed my pee pot, and the digital test-we decided to be reckless and pay £12.99 for a fancy test! And 3 long minutes later it came up as pregnant 2-3 weeks.

I should have been elated, I should have been jumping around screaming. But I didn't. I took a deep breath and went back to bed to wake Hubby, he looked at the test grunted a few words and went back to sleep. Wow, talk about anti climax.

I want to be thrilled, I want to have the blind positivity other pregnant women have. To believe that miscarriage is something that happens to other people. But I can't. I'm terrified every time I go toilet. If I cramp a bit to long I'm convinced it's the end. I hate that infertility has robbed me of what should be a happy, joyous time. If this ends, can we afford another try? Because that's what it comes down too. There's no trying again next month. After 4 1/2 years and not one hint of a natural positive I doubt there ever will be.

I'm hoping beyond hope that this is our forever baby. But I can't let my heart get to involved, it hurt to much last time and I just don't know if I can take the pain again.

8DP5DT

So this happened today. I am now convinced I have jinxed myself, and that if I believe it for one second, it will be taken away from me. My otd isn't until Sat, which makes it 13dp5dt, so I'm now worried sick this will be another chemical pregnancy. But then I remember this is much darker than it was at this point last time, so that has to be a good thing, right? Ergh, the worry ad pain just never ends does it.

Ps, ignore my old lady hands, I am actually 29, well until Friday, then I'm 30! But my hands age me!

7DP5DT

Well, I caved and I tested again, and there was a faint line. This is still one of the crappy leftover tests, so I'm trying not to read to much into it. I have some frers coming tomorrow, so I *may* test again then. I'm worried that it is a case of history repeating itself. I got a faint positive on 7dp5dt last time, I know need to keep positive. Last time I started spotting at 9dp5dt, so fingers crossed and praying that doesn't happen again.

Hmm, it's a real head f**k isn't it.

5DP5DT

I have finally lost my sanity. I scavenged around my dressing room desperately looking for an old Internet cheapie test I knew I had left over from the last cycle. So I did it, and what do you know it's negative. Although, I am convincing myself that if I turn it 360 degrees, and hold it at a 90 degree angle with direct sunlight*  I can see "something". Now I'm not in a huge panic-yet. I am quite level headed about it all, as I know it's still quite early. BUT I am so frustrated with myself, I have no self restraint.

Pull it together woman, this behaviour is just stupid, and will only lead to heartbreak.


*Clearly by direct sunlight, I mean the flash light on my phone. Sunlight in Britain in Feb? Ha!