8DP5DT

So this happened today. I am now convinced I have jinxed myself, and that if I believe it for one second, it will be taken away from me. My otd isn't until Sat, which makes it 13dp5dt, so I'm now worried sick this will be another chemical pregnancy. But then I remember this is much darker than it was at this point last time, so that has to be a good thing, right? Ergh, the worry ad pain just never ends does it.

Ps, ignore my old lady hands, I am actually 29, well until Friday, then I'm 30! But my hands age me!

7DP5DT

Well, I caved and I tested again, and there was a faint line. This is still one of the crappy leftover tests, so I'm trying not to read to much into it. I have some frers coming tomorrow, so I *may* test again then. I'm worried that it is a case of history repeating itself. I got a faint positive on 7dp5dt last time, I know need to keep positive. Last time I started spotting at 9dp5dt, so fingers crossed and praying that doesn't happen again.

Hmm, it's a real head f**k isn't it.

5DP5DT

I have finally lost my sanity. I scavenged around my dressing room desperately looking for an old Internet cheapie test I knew I had left over from the last cycle. So I did it, and what do you know it's negative. Although, I am convincing myself that if I turn it 360 degrees, and hold it at a 90 degree angle with direct sunlight*  I can see "something". Now I'm not in a huge panic-yet. I am quite level headed about it all, as I know it's still quite early. BUT I am so frustrated with myself, I have no self restraint.

Pull it together woman, this behaviour is just stupid, and will only lead to heartbreak.


*Clearly by direct sunlight, I mean the flash light on my phone. Sunlight in Britain in Feb? Ha!

3DP5DT

Not much to report really. I have no symptoms, feeling quite crampy, but then I am super constipated! I also keep having sharp shooting pains in my right boob, but I'm not attributing any of this to positive signs, more the suppositories! I'm trying to remain calm, but I am slightly worried, as last time I am sure I felt implantation on 2dp5dt. Oh well, what will be.

Transfer Day

Well, we've done it! After being so stressed out about the outcome, we made it to transfer day.

We had to be at the hospital for 11, for a 11.30 transfer. We were the only ones there and so had no delays, which was nice.

I was taken into the theatre and to the right of the room was a screen with my 2 little blasties on it. The embryologist explained that of the 6 eggs collected, 6 were mature, 4 fertilised and 3 made it to blast. The 4th was a cavity blast, don't really know what that is, But of the 3, 1 was A graded, 1 B graded and one C. We transferred the the A&B and was advised that it wasn't really worth freezing the 3rd, which was fine, as it saves £500 towards either a pram or the next attempt *deep breath*
Then the nurse prepped me, along with the female Dr,  which I have to say, I have never really had a preference over male or female Drs, but she was super gentle, and almost made me enjoy the experience for the miracle it is. The transfer itself went really smoothly and I was told my womb lining looks very healthy and thick. The nurse told us after transfer that we have a lot to be positive about, 2 healthy Blasts, lovely lining, smooth transfer and age all on our side.

I'm not to sure, I don't want to get my hopes up, I would love this to work, but what will be, will be.

lost

I'm really struggling at the moment. I had my egg collection yesterday & it felt so very wrong. My cousin has just died & here we are selfishly carrying on regardless. My family are constantly telling me Marc would want us to carry on, and on some level I know he would. It just seems wrong.

Well on the subject of Eggs, we got 6. I'm pretty disappointed. We got the call this morning that 4 have fertilised, and that we will be going for a 5 day transfer on Sunday. Now my pessimist head is on, and I'm convinced we won't have any to transfer. Last time we had 13 retrieved & only, I think 2 made it to blast. I know I should be willing my little embryos to grow, but I'm hurting so much. I feel like it's only a matter of time before more shit is thrown at us. I have to be more positive.

Numb

My cousin took his own life on Friday. He was 26.

My family is broken & desperately looking for answers. Answers that will never be found.

Marc, your light will forever shine bright in my heart. Sleep peacefully.