Umm, ok it's been a while....again!
Well I'm now 32 +5, the bubbas are doing great, they are currently estimated to weigh around 4lbs 9oz & 4lbs 14oz! Great weights for twins. Twin 1 is breech and twin 2 is kind of blocking him, I've been told there's little chance he'll turn before 37 weeks, so I'm likely looking at a C-section between 37 & 38 weeks. I really couldn't care less how they get here, whatever is safest for them. Also, I don't actually know what sex they are, I'm just convinced they're 2 boys! Hubby thinks 1 of each, so we'll see who's right in about 5 weeks! Eeek!
I still can't believe this is real, I found all my paper work for the ivf the other day, and also the first attempt. I am beyond thankful everyday for how lucky we've been. I haven't forgotten how I felt then, and in some ways I still feel the same way. Our friends told us that they are having a baby a few weeks ago, I felt like I'd been punched. First thoughts within seconds was, how the hell to I get through this? Before I realised, it's ok. I'm ok. It amazes me that it can still hurt so much. I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling that way. I feel like I'll always be an infertile, after months of pregnancy forums I don't really feel like I belong anywhere now. I don't identify with the general pregnancy population, I can't share their blind faith that everything will be ok, and I can't forget the hurt I felt every damn day for 5 years, or the crushing unfairness at having a chemical pg after the first ivf. But then I don't feel I can join in with the lttc/ivfers either. I know I annoy them now, I've gone to the dark side & I can never return. I was asked by a "friend" for any advice leading up to her next ivf, and tried to explain that I had none. I don't believe that taking or avoiding any thing will help ivf work. It's a science. A numbers game. Either the numbers work for you or they don't. It wasn't what she wanted to hear & sadly I haven't heard from her since she told me the cycle had failed. I honestly meant no malice, I was just being honest, and voicing my opinion. Maybe I should have recommended pineapple juice? I can't say what made our cycle work, I have no clue.
Anyway, I've rambled long enough, I'm sure I'll update this again when the twins are 10! Seems to be my style!
Wednesday, 18 September 2013
Wednesday, 19 June 2013
19 Weeks 5 Days
I am terrible at keeping this updated. It seems that the further my pregnancy goes on the more I procastinate. Hmm.
Everything is going ok, so far. I still don't feel fully comfortable with taking this pregnancy for granted, I still have a very long way to go. I'm not used to cruising comfortably along, for such a long time life has been a roller coaster of a ride, up & down. And I think infertility leaves you with a very bitter view on happy events. Yes I may be pregnant today, but tomorrow I may not be. I mean really, how many women that don't go through the shitty journey that is infertility & ivf, sit and fret that all this may be taken away from them. I'm guessing none. The ones Ive spoken with on forums, take it all very much for granted, because they got pregnant after 3 months, why would anything go wrong? That happens to other people. Just like infertility. That's meant to happen to other people. Some vague friend of a friend, not me.
I don't mean to sound so negative, I'm just scared I guess. I've waited so long for this, and now I'm pregnant, with twins. I'm worried if I start to believe it, it might just be taken away from me. Stay strong bubbas, stay strong.
On a positive note, by bump is growing by the day, it's very difficult to not see I'm pregnant. In fact I'm bigger than a friend who's 33 weeks! But I don't care, if it means the baby bubbas are growing big and strong. I'm also feeling movement from them. None of that butterfly crap the pg books will have you believe. Nope, I feel like I'm brewing farts when they start discoing! I still sit and wait for a fart to rip before I'm sure it's them.
My doppler is still the bane of my freaking life. I cannot not use it, but I'll be buggered if I can find both twins with it. I think Ive found them both, but then I can't be sure. I'm trying so hard to keep a sane head on my shoulders, but then I find myself googleing the possibility of having lost one twin *bangs head on laptop*
My pubic bone currently feels like it's about to crack open with every step I take, and my hips also sporadically decided to stop playing ball. But it's ok, according to the male GP I saw last week, it's all normal pregnancy stretching. Joy! But that's all I have to grumble about, and even then when I do, I feel like a massive shit, so I stop.
I have my 20 week scan next week! We have 100% decided NOT to find out what we're having. Although it's killing me :) I really want to know, But I know I'll regret it to my dying day if I do. It will be great to find out at the birth.
Everything is going ok, so far. I still don't feel fully comfortable with taking this pregnancy for granted, I still have a very long way to go. I'm not used to cruising comfortably along, for such a long time life has been a roller coaster of a ride, up & down. And I think infertility leaves you with a very bitter view on happy events. Yes I may be pregnant today, but tomorrow I may not be. I mean really, how many women that don't go through the shitty journey that is infertility & ivf, sit and fret that all this may be taken away from them. I'm guessing none. The ones Ive spoken with on forums, take it all very much for granted, because they got pregnant after 3 months, why would anything go wrong? That happens to other people. Just like infertility. That's meant to happen to other people. Some vague friend of a friend, not me.
I don't mean to sound so negative, I'm just scared I guess. I've waited so long for this, and now I'm pregnant, with twins. I'm worried if I start to believe it, it might just be taken away from me. Stay strong bubbas, stay strong.
On a positive note, by bump is growing by the day, it's very difficult to not see I'm pregnant. In fact I'm bigger than a friend who's 33 weeks! But I don't care, if it means the baby bubbas are growing big and strong. I'm also feeling movement from them. None of that butterfly crap the pg books will have you believe. Nope, I feel like I'm brewing farts when they start discoing! I still sit and wait for a fart to rip before I'm sure it's them.
My doppler is still the bane of my freaking life. I cannot not use it, but I'll be buggered if I can find both twins with it. I think Ive found them both, but then I can't be sure. I'm trying so hard to keep a sane head on my shoulders, but then I find myself googleing the possibility of having lost one twin *bangs head on laptop*
My pubic bone currently feels like it's about to crack open with every step I take, and my hips also sporadically decided to stop playing ball. But it's ok, according to the male GP I saw last week, it's all normal pregnancy stretching. Joy! But that's all I have to grumble about, and even then when I do, I feel like a massive shit, so I stop.
I have my 20 week scan next week! We have 100% decided NOT to find out what we're having. Although it's killing me :) I really want to know, But I know I'll regret it to my dying day if I do. It will be great to find out at the birth.
Saturday, 4 May 2013
13 Weeks 4 Days
Well, it's been a while-Again! Seeing as I wanted to use this blog as a kind of keepsake/reference, I guess I suck! So much has happened, but then at the same nothing has happened.
I had a bit of a scare at 10+4. I had a bit of light brown discharge, and immediately my world ended. It was exactly the same as what happened when I miscarried. It started light, didn't get really any heavier, but I lost the baby a week later. Anyway, this time it stopped by Sunday evening, but re-appeared Tuesday Morning and stayed until Thursday when I had a very watery pink bleed. I was desperate, I just needed to know my babies were ok. But I couldn't get a scan until 9.30 on Sunday. Friday I had a lot of dark brown discharge, by this time we had resigned ourselves to the fact the worst was going to happen. Even though it hadn't got any worse, we knew it didn't need too. We spent the time accepting whatever lay ahead, knowing that we still had each other, and that however painful, we will get through it. It sounds so cheesy to write that, but if one good thing has come out of this infertility bull shit, it's that our relationship has never been stronger. Yes he bugs the hell out of me sometimes, but we know whatever shit life throws at us, we will survive it. I feel like a song such be cued there!
Anyway, Sunday came, we got to the early pregnancy unit, and it was explained to us that the sonographer wouldn't explain or show us anything, we will just be scanned, then wait to see the Nurse who would explain what was found. We went into the scan room, I was almost hyperventilating, I was so nervous. After scanning for about 30 seconds, the sonographer turned the screen and said "well I can see 2 heartbeats!" Oh the relief! She scanned for a few minutes longer letting us watch, Twin 1 was such a wriggle bum, his little arms were moving everywhere! Twin 2 on the other hand was just chilling! Twin one measured 11+3, and twin 2 measured 11+5-which is what I was. Twin 1 has always been smaller, but both have caught up from the last scan at 8 weeks. There was no reason given for the spotting, and so no guarantees it won't return.
The relief at seeing them healthy & happy lasted about 2 days when the paranoia crept back in! I stupidly brought a doppler, and now paranoia creeps in when I can't find both of them! I have another scan this coming Wednesday, my 12 week scan, but I'll be 14 weeks, its mainly a dating scan and also the scan to asses downs risk, but we've decided against it. It would have to be a 100% certainty that one of the babies was suffering pain for us to ever consider termination, so I don't see the point in having my risk assessed. It makes no difference anyway. I know a lot of other people feel differently, but I don't need a number to tell me my babies are perfect. They'll be perfect no matter what.
So anyway! Here they are at 11+5 I'm so in love with these little nuggets already :)
I had a bit of a scare at 10+4. I had a bit of light brown discharge, and immediately my world ended. It was exactly the same as what happened when I miscarried. It started light, didn't get really any heavier, but I lost the baby a week later. Anyway, this time it stopped by Sunday evening, but re-appeared Tuesday Morning and stayed until Thursday when I had a very watery pink bleed. I was desperate, I just needed to know my babies were ok. But I couldn't get a scan until 9.30 on Sunday. Friday I had a lot of dark brown discharge, by this time we had resigned ourselves to the fact the worst was going to happen. Even though it hadn't got any worse, we knew it didn't need too. We spent the time accepting whatever lay ahead, knowing that we still had each other, and that however painful, we will get through it. It sounds so cheesy to write that, but if one good thing has come out of this infertility bull shit, it's that our relationship has never been stronger. Yes he bugs the hell out of me sometimes, but we know whatever shit life throws at us, we will survive it. I feel like a song such be cued there!
Anyway, Sunday came, we got to the early pregnancy unit, and it was explained to us that the sonographer wouldn't explain or show us anything, we will just be scanned, then wait to see the Nurse who would explain what was found. We went into the scan room, I was almost hyperventilating, I was so nervous. After scanning for about 30 seconds, the sonographer turned the screen and said "well I can see 2 heartbeats!" Oh the relief! She scanned for a few minutes longer letting us watch, Twin 1 was such a wriggle bum, his little arms were moving everywhere! Twin 2 on the other hand was just chilling! Twin one measured 11+3, and twin 2 measured 11+5-which is what I was. Twin 1 has always been smaller, but both have caught up from the last scan at 8 weeks. There was no reason given for the spotting, and so no guarantees it won't return.
The relief at seeing them healthy & happy lasted about 2 days when the paranoia crept back in! I stupidly brought a doppler, and now paranoia creeps in when I can't find both of them! I have another scan this coming Wednesday, my 12 week scan, but I'll be 14 weeks, its mainly a dating scan and also the scan to asses downs risk, but we've decided against it. It would have to be a 100% certainty that one of the babies was suffering pain for us to ever consider termination, so I don't see the point in having my risk assessed. It makes no difference anyway. I know a lot of other people feel differently, but I don't need a number to tell me my babies are perfect. They'll be perfect no matter what.
So anyway! Here they are at 11+5 I'm so in love with these little nuggets already :)
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Babies are like buses.....
You wait 4 1/2 years then two come along at once!
We have 2, yes 2 heartbeats! Amazing, I am so in love with my prawny, space aliens! The scan went really well, we were told that twin 1 is measuring 7wks 4 day and twin 2 7wks 5days, I was 8 weeks yesterday, but apparently that's normal for twins.
The Nurse explained that she would scan in silence for a few minutes then would explain what she was looking at, she was quiet for about a minute, I was staring at the ceiling the whole time, not daring to look at the screen. Then she spoke and said "do you want to look at the screen?" I said I don't know, do I want to? She said "you might want to, there's 2 heartbeats!" WHAT??? It was so crazy, but so amazing, they're just lying there chilling out, with their little heartbeats going. It's so crazy to think they're inside of me, and I can't feel them! Crazy!
So here are my bubbas, twin 2 is the white blob, he's implanted higher up, so we couldn't get a good enough pic of both of them together!
We have 2, yes 2 heartbeats! Amazing, I am so in love with my prawny, space aliens! The scan went really well, we were told that twin 1 is measuring 7wks 4 day and twin 2 7wks 5days, I was 8 weeks yesterday, but apparently that's normal for twins.
The Nurse explained that she would scan in silence for a few minutes then would explain what she was looking at, she was quiet for about a minute, I was staring at the ceiling the whole time, not daring to look at the screen. Then she spoke and said "do you want to look at the screen?" I said I don't know, do I want to? She said "you might want to, there's 2 heartbeats!" WHAT??? It was so crazy, but so amazing, they're just lying there chilling out, with their little heartbeats going. It's so crazy to think they're inside of me, and I can't feel them! Crazy!
So here are my bubbas, twin 2 is the white blob, he's implanted higher up, so we couldn't get a good enough pic of both of them together!
Monday, 25 March 2013
7 Weeks 6 Days
Well, it's Scan day tomorrow. It would be an understatement to say I'm shitting my pants. I really haven't helped myself though, I've been obsessively googling missed miscarriages & blighted ovums, desperately looking for symptoms or signs that will let me know I will be ok, or rather that baby bubba will be ok.
I've been feeling a bit icky since I last updated, I am starving all the time, and feel sick if my stomach gets even a little empty. I have been sick a few times, but mostly I'm just feeling nauseous. I'm wiped out from 2pm every day, I am barely doing anything other than sitting, sleeping or eating. I've alreadt gained 4lbs!
Well, that's all I can think of for now. Please, please let everything be ok.
I've been feeling a bit icky since I last updated, I am starving all the time, and feel sick if my stomach gets even a little empty. I have been sick a few times, but mostly I'm just feeling nauseous. I'm wiped out from 2pm every day, I am barely doing anything other than sitting, sleeping or eating. I've alreadt gained 4lbs!
Well, that's all I can think of for now. Please, please let everything be ok.
Saturday, 16 March 2013
6 Weeks 4 Days
And I'm still terrified. I'm convinced something is going to happen. I know I should "relax and enjoy it" But it's taken to long to get here, and it was far to hard a journey to be getting flippant now. I have to guard my heart. After the m/c last time I knew then I would always have to be realistic. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be going out to buy things, discuss names, dream about gender, but I can't. I have a week and a half until my scan at 8 weeks, and to say I'm nervous is an understatement. I keep having really horrible dreams, either that there is no heartbeat or that it's a blighted ovum. But then my dreams have been crazily vivid just lately, and not very nice at all. I've not had any sickness yet, but am having a lot of nausea and feeling generally hungover. I keep comparing my symptoms to others and worrying. So to sum up, I'm worrying :s
Sunday, 3 March 2013
OTD
Yesterday was my test date, I was awake from 4.30. I don't know why I was so anxious or why I was convinced that the tests I had been doing all week would be wrong. At 6.30 I couldn't wait any longer, I grabbed my pee pot, and the digital test-we decided to be reckless and pay £12.99 for a fancy test! And 3 long minutes later it came up as pregnant 2-3 weeks.
I should have been elated, I should have been jumping around screaming. But I didn't. I took a deep breath and went back to bed to wake Hubby, he looked at the test grunted a few words and went back to sleep. Wow, talk about anti climax.
I want to be thrilled, I want to have the blind positivity other pregnant women have. To believe that miscarriage is something that happens to other people. But I can't. I'm terrified every time I go toilet. If I cramp a bit to long I'm convinced it's the end. I hate that infertility has robbed me of what should be a happy, joyous time. If this ends, can we afford another try? Because that's what it comes down too. There's no trying again next month. After 4 1/2 years and not one hint of a natural positive I doubt there ever will be.
I'm hoping beyond hope that this is our forever baby. But I can't let my heart get to involved, it hurt to much last time and I just don't know if I can take the pain again.
I should have been elated, I should have been jumping around screaming. But I didn't. I took a deep breath and went back to bed to wake Hubby, he looked at the test grunted a few words and went back to sleep. Wow, talk about anti climax.
I want to be thrilled, I want to have the blind positivity other pregnant women have. To believe that miscarriage is something that happens to other people. But I can't. I'm terrified every time I go toilet. If I cramp a bit to long I'm convinced it's the end. I hate that infertility has robbed me of what should be a happy, joyous time. If this ends, can we afford another try? Because that's what it comes down too. There's no trying again next month. After 4 1/2 years and not one hint of a natural positive I doubt there ever will be.
I'm hoping beyond hope that this is our forever baby. But I can't let my heart get to involved, it hurt to much last time and I just don't know if I can take the pain again.
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